Existential Crisis

i’m back…

admin — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 12:04:49 +0000

it’s been two days and it almost feels as if i’ve never gone. i’ve seen most of my family and a few friends. school starts in less than a week and i have soo much to do. i’ll start to unpack this morning before i go to work. i’d much rather do something more interesting, but there is none of that here.

what does it mean now that i’m back? well there are some things that i am totally confused about, but this is what i know…

1. i’m finishing school

2. i get to see my family (the girls are soo big. i took them to gymnastics last night and it was soo funny)

3. my cousin is getting married in July and we’ve got soo much to do for the wedding

4. my room seems even smaller every time i come home. somehow the square feet are shrinking because i fail to believe that i am acquiring more things

i’m sure that i know more, but i can’t seem to think of it at 7am

procreation is not for everyone…

admin — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:25:22 +0000

this post was created some months ago and apparently i forgot to his publish…

under normal circumstances i would take this opportunity to discuss why some people do not need to have children; how their inability to care for themselves leaves them without the skills needed to care for another more fragile and ultimately vulnerable being; how the gene pool has already been significantly watered down by mass production; but instead i want to address why i do not want to have children.

yes, cloning me might be a good idea in some instances. in many others it is a bad idea. neither the world nor i am ready for more of me. most people who know me completely understand why. it is not that i do not like children, but why burden myself with the possibility that my children do not come out like me. let’s be honest, having children now is like playing genome russian roulette. you may be lucky, but you maybe very frightfully unlucky. i do believe that sociology is as much nurture as nature, but if you start off with a bad batch naturally there isn’t much that our current social climate can offer. perhaps i am prescribing to a particular class consciousness by not wanting any children. then again, why bring something else into the world that i will have to take care of when i’m doing a bad enough job taking care of myself

confessions of a lonesome soul

admin — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:48:55 +0000

so, i work at barnes and noble cafe. it is often an entertaining and amusing job, but not for conventional reasons. on occasion, however, an attractive patron ventures through the doors and lingers long enough for us to admire. such an occasion has been happening more frequently (a sole patron). the admiration has occurred from afar, ventured into casual conversation, and is now at the point where i’m sneaking peeks through the strategically placed bakery boxes. i would not quite call it an obsession, but as finals will be over in a few days and he will no longer spend his evenings studying within stalking distance i’m torn. dare i actually attempt maintaining a conversation that lasts past the occasional musings of how our days are going? i mean, he is adorable and i am leaving in a few short weeks. well, today is wednesday…that means that tomorrow i need to do something (and by something i mean something more than looking him up on facebook…yes, i did that). admitting that i’ve done it somehow makes it seem wrong…anyway, what exactly does one do in this particular situation? i’m inept when it comes to actual human interaction beyond the casual greetings and salutaions. i can ponder the concept of an interaction, but that’s where it all ends.

sidebar: i am such a dork!!!!!

at this point he happens to be sitting not that far away from me and while i can occasionally glance in his direction i lack the ability to actually walk over there, sit down at his table, and spark up what could potentially be an enlightening and engaging conversation. i’ll just cower further into this book i was reading and pretend that i never even thought about the potential conversation that could have happened if i had the “balls” to begin one.

the officer came to the house

admin — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 23:38:17 +0000

so i accidently dialed 911 from my phone. i now realize the importance of locking the phone. since i didn’t say anything the 911 dispatcher called me back. i then had to provide all sorts of information like my name, address and verify that everything was ok. they still had to send an officer to the house. so, an hour later (and we don’t live anywhere near the ghetto) a sherrif’s deputy rings the doorbell. immediately, because nobody would just stop by here randomly i hear “kendy, the door is for you”. i climb out of bed (yes, i’m already in bed at 6:30pm and answer the door. the officer was cute, polite, and under different circumstances (ie. nobody else home) i may have asked him if i could see his handcuffs…

public displays of existence

admin — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 05:07:48 +0000

i read an article about a young man in florida committing suicide (by taking a combination of pills) while his webcam was streaming it to a website. now, have we become so obsessed with the internet that we can not do anything without having other people watch, read and comment in order to validate it’s existence? do we live such a bane existence that it must be chronicled to establish meaning? are these questions pointless since i’m asking them on my blog…

christmas list

admin — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:40:31 +0000

this year rather than just expect that someone will buy me my kitchenaid 6 qt professional stand mixer (for the kitchen in the house that i do not have yet) i will provide a list of things i want…

a kitchenaid 6qt professional stand mixer in white
a kitchenaid 6qt professional stand mixer in cobalt blue
the new blackberry bold

ok, the list isn’t very long. i was going to add something else, but thought that i better not start any trouble (today).

out of whack

admin — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 14:23:03 +0000

ok, so lately my schedule has been inconsistent (to say the least). i feel like i am overcommitted, and yet i’m not doing anything. at least nothing significant. i’m not in school at the moment. i’ll start back in january, but until then i have things i should work on, but never seem to have the time. even when i think that i am making the time something comes up and i am pulled to something else. i just started working at barnes and noble cafe. i love making coffee. the smell makes me smile. i might actually be able to pay some bills this month and not ask daddy for too much money. i realize it is something to get me from where i am to where i am going, but it is hard to just accept that this is where i am right now. i still get to do some freelance work for a dear friend that takes pity on me and sends me work. i really appreciate her for that. i’m also almost a substitute teacher (gotta get the last of my paperwork in). i don’t know where my day goes sometimes, but it is obvious that i have little or no control over my day and i don’t like that. i need to get a handle on this before i’ve lose track of my life…

bank bail outs and big election spending

admin — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 15:23:43 +0000

now i realize that this may only occur to me, but considering the fact that the government is going to spend 700 billion to bail out banks and wall street why is nobody complaining that the presidential candidates are blowing through an average of over 50 million a week (and that’s just in september and october). now, i’m sure that under normal economic circumstances this would be fine. and i should not be saying anything now that gas has finally dropped below $3.00 for premium, but i’m appauled. i don’t have a full time job, benefits, and my retirement account is dwindling, but the men who are viing for the presidency are spending more money in a week than i will ever pass through my bank account in my lifetime. somethng just does not seem to make sense here. especially since this is all just to get people to vote for them. couldn’t this money go to better use? like somebody give my broke ass a job with medical and dental and employer contribution to my 401k, and vacation and happily ever after…

utter disappointment

admin — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 00:39:46 +0000

i just got a very disheartening email. my post was flagged on craigslist. obviously i’ve offended someone, but how????

politics

admin — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 04:36:53 +0000

now, this may seem a little odd. me (who can not vote) telling you (who can) to go vote. but, yes that is what i am doing. i could say that i do not care who you vote for, but i do. more importantly is that you take the opportunity to vote.

ok, that was the public service announcement…on to the more classic kendy rhetoric

i’ve seen a few of the debates this 2008 election season and one thing continues to cross my mind. why it is that john mccain looks like his face is frozen, or better yet like that commercial where they stick someone else’s mouth onto the little kid (but the kid is significantly cuter than mccain). i’m just not sure what it is, but he is a cross between a ventriloquist doll and a puppet. that right eyebrow won’t go down, he blinks more than every second (i remember that i only did that when i am intoxicated and trying to focus on something important…like walking, or breathing, or not seeming like a dumbass). best of all, his face seems to be locked in a permanent position where his bottom jaw is the only movable part. somehow the flaps of skin under his chin move too, but that is irrelevant. to add insult to injury his arms don’t seem to have much mobility and any physical movement at all seems awkwardly complicated.

not that any of this bears relevance on whether or not he would make a good president. but since i can’t vote why talk about the issues like everyone else…